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reverse heirophant, six of wands, nine of wands [05 Jul 2007|08:50pm]
[ mood | peaceful ]

As the second decade of my life closes, I feel I should say a few words. And here they are:

codswallop, denouement, flibbertygibert, pistol

The time has come, I think, to quietly lay this little journal down to sleep. It's been an interesting few years, and I could list all the things I have learned, all the ways I have grown, down here in black and white, to be endlessly dissected, or I could store them somewhere deep in myself, to be dusted off in years to come and smiled at fondly. I shall go for the latter.

white peacock

see you on the other side... :)

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[06 Jul 2006|01:01am]
so, 19. Time flies, doesn't it

I feel happier in my skin than I have since I can remember. life fits like a warm glove

tonight, i write about my dreams and think about ways to live them, all the while killing time in as many ways as I can.

I had two birthday cakes this year. one pink and white, with raspberry and buttercream filling and plastic disney princesses on top, one chocolate and shaped like a monkeys face

I didn't share either of them with those who I would have expected, last year

but I did share them

pain is beauty and beauty is success - where did this concept come from? because the more i see of the world the more I realise that this is true - that beauty, like money, hides a multitude of sins, and creates them too

i dont think I have a single female friend who is ugly

is this because conveniently, everone who seems sound enough for me to want to be friends with them has happened to be attractive, or because, subconsciously, i only want to be friends with the beautiful? I would like to think that I see deeper than that.. but really..

there's a lot of ways to live a life, I suppose
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[01 May 2006|09:28pm]
one particular moral intricacy of our society that has always troubled me somewhat:

why is it acceptable for good people to do bad things?
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[10 Apr 2006|09:13pm]
[ mood | awed ]

The thing about life is, no matter how much you think you have a handle on it, every so often it comes out with one that just hits you

it's a good thing. if you could see everything coming, it would be boring. it wouldn't be living, it would just be reading a story.

sometimes it knocks you for six. Not in a bad way, just in the way that all your breath comes out of you and you're there wondering, wow, how did that happen? what kind of sense does that make?

I believe in reading the signs.. and sometimes the signs point you in a direction that you really didn't expect.

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[28 Mar 2006|10:37pm]
yup yup yup
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[22 Mar 2006|08:00pm]
Today in media we were given a talk by someone who I hadn't heard of, but who was evidently something of an eminent person about Liverpool. As he casually dropped into his talk a few times, he had had books published (six) and worked in TV and had various friends who were, for example, "successful film script writers" (no namedropping, that would be crass.) He was of the working class hero brigade - threw in lots of swear words, "shite", "bollocks", even the occasional "fucking" (for emphasis, not the verb.) He was pretty arrogant but he was undeniably a good speaker, I learned a lot about Liverpool today. I can't remember the exact figures but basically, when all the Irish came over, there was one and a half times more of them than there actually was living in Liverpool before that. That's a LOT of Irish. And I come from partially Irish Catholic stock so I found it all quite interesting.

Anyway, as the talk drew on I became increasingly aware of, and amused by, the fact that the speaker was making jibes at our teacher. Bit of background: as part of what seems to be my college's new aim of going as downmarket as possible, my media teacher has become the second one of my teachers to simply stop coming to college entirely (depression, apparently, which doesn't seem to have impressed the rest of the faculty who keep making snotty remarks about "real illnesses" and the like). After a confusing 3 weeks, where we had coursework to complete but a distinct lack of both a) a teacher and b) a clue, they brought in a guy who used to be a lecturer at Liverpool university but had now retired and presumably either owed someone a favor or felt like being nice. Cue much arse licking from certain members of the existing faculty. He's a nice bloke and seems to know his stuff, which, given the fact that exam times are drawing nearer and nearer, is much appreciated.
As I was saying, I began to get onto the fact that the speaker was not so subtly making digs at Lecturer/teacher man. First telling us that he "didn't think much of universities," found them stifling etc etc Then later on accusing the lecturer of the heinous crime of probably having a wife who played tennis, a sport which he later lambasted as being "borgeois." and of course, having the slightest association with the middle classes is almost tantamount to defiling a virgin. The whole debacle culminated in one of those wonderful to behold discussions where two people are both talking loudly and desperately trying to be heard more than the other to the point that they stop paying attention to the words coming from their mouths and just say them anyway.
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actually [20 Mar 2006|09:38pm]
life is pretty good :)
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[19 Mar 2006|05:53pm]
Chibuku was pretty rad. Who made who, soulwax and mr scruff = a definite 11. Boss. I can't believe it's been a year since chibuku 6th. what a lot changes in a year. some for the better. some for the worst. some stuff for neither.. it just happens.

all your life you're dreaming and then you stop dreaming from time to time you know you should be going on another bender
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butterflies and snow. [13 Mar 2006|12:25am]
Sometimes the world comes crashing down around your head.

I mean, I don't get it. I know that when shit happens you're supposed to just smile and slog on with it, and EVERYONE gets more than their fair share of bullshit. EVERYONE. There is no such thing as a charmed life, just people who are better at hiding their unhappiness. But I mean.. I dunno, I kind of thought that if you just keep smiling and soldier on then eventually stuff goes right.. but it just keeps on happening, doesn't it? Stuff is good for a while, then it goes shit, then it goes good, then it goes shit. It's a neverending cycle and it doesn't matter how hard you try to be happy because there is stuff that's outside your control. We build and then it gets knocked down. There's not a lot you can do except survey the wreckage and then start building again. It's hard to accept that without being nihilistic. Don't get me wrong, I'm not being negative here. I don't think it's necessarily inherently a bad thing, it's just the way it works. And there are plenty of good things about life and I adore each and every single one of them. I'm pretty good at appreciating the little stuff.

I wouldn't really say I'm religious, but the serenity prayer is the one thing I've found which sort of sums up the best attitude to have.

God Grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
the courage to change the things that I can
And the wisdom to know the difference

Coz at the end of the day, that's all you can do really isn't it?

(it's just that sometimes I think that maybe they can smell the fear on me.)

I have this tendency, when I am perfectly aware of what the wrong thing to do is, to sort of do it anyway. Like picking at a scab, even though it only makes it bleed more. It has caused me some real problems in my time. like most people, my head and my heart often have very conflicting ideas about what I should be doing. In all fairness, I should just REALLY REALLY never listen to my heart EVER because alls it ever does is get me in really really stupid fucked up shitty situations and i end up bruising like fruit. and my head has pretty much never ever steered me wrong. "the heart is deceitful above all things." no fricken shit.

When there are too many thoughts buzzing around my brain and I can't escape them no matter what, bzz bzz bzz like little bees dancing their white hot feet across my eyelids and theres no full stops no pauses just a million sentences running on and on and two and three at a time then i close my eyes and I imagine butterflies. Beautiful butterflies flying across my vision one by one. and i imagine them in different colours, leopard print, green polka dots on hot pink, opalescent turqoise, a beautiful vivid purple, glistening like ripe strawberries. It helps.

Sometimes you just need a time out from everything, so I'm leaving town for a while and heading up to sunny Sheffield. I hope when I get back, everything is better. or I'm better. or my perspective is changed.

Snow is white and pure and it washes everything away.
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[10 Mar 2006|02:50am]
Grey and black, I watch the patent flash, black, white, black, white
greyscale, more shadows and more lights
black, white, and a shiny buckle reflected in the moonlight

I guess this is what's left of that.
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karmic retrobution [08 Mar 2006|04:37pm]
every action has a reaction

God can save you from your sins but he can't save you from the consequences of your actions.
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[07 Mar 2006|11:46pm]
and then with a hop, skip and jump around the moon and stars stinging like angels on the tip of your tongue, you're away again, dreaming of pristine picture perfect happily ever afters that don't matter because nothing feels as good as this, a pirouette around the sky, toe touching saturn and your finger tips caressing venus with beautiful siren voices enticing, come with us, dance with us, why be yourself when you can be better? (the negatives are of course, fairly apparent, but let's not bother ourselves with those - they ruin the fantasy, and fantasy is a million miles from earth)

If you keep going into space, one day you aren't going to come back. just dance around the heavens forever. it has it's plus sides.

and now for something completely different

Saturday was a bit large like
Erol Alkan was fantastic, the company was untoppable, all in all - thoroughly successul night. I read a summary of a film once in SFX that was meant to be coming out starring Nicole Kidman or someone else of that ouvre. The concept of it was, in some future there is a product that is put behind your eyes when you are first born and from then on films everything that you see, so that at your funeral a sort of clip show of all your best moments can be compiled and played. Actually i think the concept of the film was something involving a murder, but anyway it had the film camera eye thing goin on. I've always thought that would be amazing - to be able to relive the memories, the beautiful moments, would be such a gift - especially when the human mind dooms us to forget almost immediately. But i suppose that is kind of the beauty of a memory, to catch the smell of fuschias on a warm evening and suddenly be transported back to a forgotten time, or feel the warm scratchiness of felt against your fingers and remember how snug you felt in your first ever winter coat. It is the inconstancies, the fragility that makes things beautiful.

Recently I have found myself questioning many things, not least of which is the fact that I question everything. Surely it is necessary in life to have some constants; some stability, some truths that we hold to be self evident? I have very few of these, for various intricate and intimate and terribly boring reasons that I'm not going to grace a myspace blog with. It often feels as though I am lurching from one pole to another, rather like a very inexperienced tightrope walker, which is sometimes enjoyable and sometimes less so.

Most of all, I have been questioning my own motivations. I think that it is sometimes easy to let ourselves believe that we are doing things for a certain reason, when the actuality is quite different. I think it is the most important thing in the world to be honest with oneself and about ones emotions. If you are happy then be happy, if you are sad, be sad. Thanks to glaxosmithkline, eli lilly and other such beasts, we seem to have adopted this philosophy that humans are meant to be happy all the time. and if you aren't happy, then there is something wrong with you. This is bullshit. Humans were not made to be happy constantly. but equally, sadness is not the end of the world. Do not let sadness consume you, but embrace it, as an opportunity for growth and reflection, and never stop chasing the sunlight because though it may seem that it has forgotten you, it is never too long until the sun comes out from behind it's cloud and bathes you with it's glorious light again.

we might all yearn for the validation of spirituality but in reality, we all just want cake and presents.
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raisins 2 bee happyyyyy [27 Feb 2006|02:20pm]
(o)I have a big bowl in front of me filled with a jacket potato, brocolli carrots and sweetcorn, red and green pepper (red is my favourite), philidelphia cream cheese,a big shiny tomato, and 5 grapes (hence the "raisins") It is my favourite food this week and it tastes SO GOOD :D

(o)also a big delicious pink cup full of orange juice

(o)I have 2 hours until work, which is plenty time to wash my hair (complete with shiny new little extensiony bits in black and sort of lion coloured brown)AND do some of my excessive amounts of coursework (3,000 words, 2 x 2,000 words, 2 x 1,000 words, respectively. I've almost finished two of them already though) I would be bothered about this insane amount of work were it not for the fact that I know they'll all be dead fun to do and ill enjoy them as soon as i just sit down and dO them.

(o)This weekend was fun and comprised of many adventures, beginning with drinking and eating le macdonalds with Rosie Friday night, shopping n hair on saturday (Resurrection in quigs was selling EVERYTHING IN THE SHOP for a fiver!)then back off over to Liverpool for circus! Which was fun fun fun, sparticularly dug Yousef, saw about 50 million bajillion squalillion peoples, then a big army of us went back to the flat and there was much raucus merriment. Lee appeared from work looking very snazzy in a waistcoat and presented me with a fantabulous train poster, which I just realised I've left at the flat, fuckaroo. then it quietened down as many people departed for an afterparty, and the rest of us stayed behind and chattered like monkeys on e. Sunday was spent indulging in duvet covers.

(o)I have 2 little happy fun fun pieces of paper waiting for a sunny day. They are in a fridge in Liverpool and labelled with a post it note. PIPS DRUGS DO NOT TAKE

(o)The thing ive chosen for bullet points --->(o)<---- looks like a boob.

(o)I've found someone I can't stop kissing. :)

postscript: 12th of April

(o) Tonight I sampled the delights of those 2 pieces of paper. It was an enjoyable experience, and I found out a lot of interesting things, although i'm not quite sure what they were. It was not, the situation I had originally planned. But then, when do things ever go to plan.

(o) I could stop kissing him, evidently. well, wasn't that a great big hoohar over nothing very much.
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tagged by eternallyinwards [22 Feb 2006|12:37am]

What is yours?
Explain yourself
Culinary: EVERYTHING ALL OF THE TIME Food is my achilles heel. I would eat until I exploded, if social mores and my ultimate desire not to be a big exploded puddle of goo didn't hold me back. I'm one of those girls who gets a bit hippy if she indulges herself too much, which is a bit annoying at times but im sure I'll live, so generally i try and eat pretty healthily. However, today I have eaten a roast dinner with 2 kinds of peas, which was way fit, and a chicken and tomato and brococcli pasta thing, half a cream cake, some cheese and vine ripened baby tomatoes. I am uncomfortably full but i do not care because they were delicious.
Literary: heat magazine, now magazine, etc etc I know they're "lowbrow" or whatever, but frankly I don't see why reading them, as opposed to something that comes with appendices and cliffnotes, is considered dirty and tacky and something to be ashamed of. It's the equivalent of literary masturbation, and masturbation isn't a bad thing. Reading Nietsche does not make you a good person. otherwise, all intellectuals would be more worthwhile people than those who do not indulge in fine literature. this is not the case. As with the rest of humanity, educated people are often pricks (and educated pricks are worse, as it takes longer for them to express their belief that they are superior to others due to their need to use words with excessive syllables)
Audiovisual: chat shows Watching fucked up people swearing and hitting each other reminds me why i try to keep my own personal life as drama free as possible. people are at their ugliest when they are hating.
Musical: GUILT FREE, BAYBEE I don't believe in being ashamed of music, howevery kitschy it might be. the only people who care enough to make something shameful, are the kind of people who don't understand music, they just see it as a means of labelling themselves, a nice easy way of assigning attributes to their persona. That said, I have been known to enjoy the odd bit of bad 80s new romantic stuff, which i wouldn't exactly stand up and shout out in a crowded room - at least until a few months ago when the 80s suddenly became far enough in the past to seem cool again.
Celebrity: Paris and Nicole and, recently, Jordan, which is as much a surprise to me as anyone I love the whole bimbo chic thing, I think it's fantastic and it really amuses me how angry and irate people get over it. Also, Jordan has, in my eyes, proved that one can be a bit of a messy scatty hoebag, but still be a good decent person. i think she's got a lot of inner strength and I think she's done her own thing even when popular opinion has jeered at her and criticised her for it. everyone told her she was shit, but, like Paris, Nicole, and others of that ilk.. she's been laughing all the way to the bank.

Now I tag:-

wordstosell popzedrine

to complete this same Quiz, Its HERE.
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baby baby aint it true I'm immortal when I'm with you/ 4am brain vomit [18 Feb 2006|03:16am]
[ mood | content ]

Everything gets boring eventually.

I love sunshine. It can make the most drab, boring day seem beautiful and blessed.

I did not know that I could ever feel so perfect, and so loved.

I have managed to get the remnants of Rosie's chicken chow mein on my new blue jacket. However, this is not a problem as it has not stained. and my new jacket is cute.

I won a totally hot phone on ebay for 80 quid. BARGAIN

I will sleep, drunkenly singing French songs to myself. "Je ne regrette rien." Is that grammatically correct? Fuck grammar.

I learned second and third gear today :D KICKASS

I am eating pasta from a bowl which is in turn placed upon a plate bearing the design, spears of asparagus. Perhaps popzedrine will remember to what i am referring? perhaps not

It is strange how loss can make you complete.

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[12 Feb 2006|03:03pm]

...I'm chalking this week up to experience.
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[08 Feb 2006|11:07am]
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[03 Feb 2006|09:33am]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

So, I got this REALLY HOT pink case for my iPod off ebay. And I've had it for a few days and it's really cute and everything, and I'm perfectly happy with it, then just now, while I was busy sort of doing coursework only I was actually looking at other things I was like hang on a minute, how do I know this wasn't made in a sweatshop by some evil sweatshop owner? And some poor kid wasn't being whipped every minute and paid like 3p for the work? Ebay is weird, it's sort of like the ultimate global market but without the globalisation... and that doesn't sound like it makes sense. Kind of, rather than everyting bearing capitalist uniformity and being the same, everything is different and full of variety but anonymous. eBay gets rid of roots and identity. It's like a delete button for object heritage.

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[02 Feb 2006|12:26am]
Baldy found my book in his car. I feel this happy to have it back, ^___^, and also a little bit stupid.

The other day I was down by the seafront looking at Liverpool from this side of the water. The sun was setting after a few brief cold hours of sunshine that afternoon, and its colours were reflected in the windows and steel of the city, a vivid golden pink orange. It looked really cool.
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Absolutely completely and utterly heartbroken [31 Jan 2006|12:59am]
[ mood | sad ]

I've lost my book :(

The little book that I have taken everywhere since about March last year

It is filled with drawings, and so many memories

I am devastated.

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